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I’m going to try something new this time. I’m going to
GO GO GO!!! FLASHBANG THROUGH THE DOOR!!! Check those corners… CHECK THOSE MOTHERFUCKING CORNERS GODDAMNIT!!!
Biggest exercise into the unneeded
This award is given to a game that should not have really existed at all, but exists anyways because some game developers are greedy assholes who are more concerned with making money then with the quality of the actual product that’s being pushed out the door.
…Just like Youtube
Hour of Victory
By 2007 Midway was in such a hole that it was literally spewing shovelware out the door. This is one of those games, Hour of Victory, which tries to emulate Call of Duty 2’s ‘easy’ mode and fails miserably at it. This game is unneeded because it suffers from ‘bad timing disorder’. By point in time, the WW2 First Person Shooter genre was mined to death. Call of Duty shifted its focus to modern combat while Medal of Honor disappeared off the face of the earth, only NOW Midway decided to make a bellyflop into the genre?
Target Terror
I thought rail shooters featuring live action characters died out during the 90s infamous ‘CD-Rom revolution’. I’m all for nostalgia, but I doubt that broken Lethal Enforcers clones like Mad Dog McCree and Space Pirates deserve nostalgia in the first place.
AMF Bowling: Pinbusters!
This is unneeded because of two words: Wii Sports. Why do people insist on trying to take ONE minigame from Wii Sports, butcher it, slap some new graphics on it, and ship the product off as one of their own?
State of Emergency 2
The original State of Emergency only sold well because people thought that the creators of GTA3 made nothing but gold. For no reason 4 YEARS AFTER the original game was released, this sequel came out… with even shittier graphics and even shittier gameplay. In fact, the SoE2 looks like it was made shortly after the release of SoE, left on the cutting room floor for 4 years, and then for some inexplicable reason somebody decided to green light the project without playtesting the game to see if it’s bad or not.
Chicken Shoot
This game was once a flash game, which can be found on the internet… FOR FREE. So naturally, some greedy asshole decided to repackage the game and sell it as a 20 dollar Wii title… that somehow looks and plays worse then the original.
Ping Pals
This game’s main showcase is it’s ability to text message. This is one of the most unnecessary games ever released because the Nintendo DS already CAME WITH A BUILT-IN TEXT MESSAGE FEATURE that’s far superior. Let’s just assume the creators of Ping Pals were completely unaware of Pictochat and move on.
Most offensive ‘urban’ game
Sometime during the early-mid 2000s, the underlying theme of ‘gangsta’ culture was sweeping the nation like a giant turd. Granted, some ‘gangsta’ themed games were actually good, like Saints Row, Midnight Club 3:Dub Edition and GTA: San Andreas… but for the most part the games of these categories tried to overemphasize ‘gangsta’ so much that they completely miss the point entirely and look like FUCKING RETARDS in the process.
187 Ride or Die
This game tries too hard to be ‘gangsta’, that it doesn’t realize how retarded it sounds. Also, if the gizoogle-inspired dialogue isnt enough to turn you off, then the uninspired and bland sub-twisted metal gameplay is sure to drive the pointizzle home, homeboy. Also the game isnt that difficult as long as you move the car around and fire wildly.
50 Cent Bulletproof
Sometime in the early 2000s, rapper 50 Cent was shot at, but he survived because he was wearing a bulletproof vest and that gangstas are so retarded they can’t aim for the face. Somehow this warrants and entire videogame where Fiddy sings his tunes while a crappy shooter game bears his face. Way to sell out, fiddy. Milli Vinilli would be proud.
Shadow the Hedgehog
Ah, the turning point of Sonic Team. This is where Sonic Team decided to revive a character who should have stayed dead in SA2, and attempted to make him seem all ‘cool’ and ‘edgy’ while having him use guns and vehicles to destroy his enemies instead of fucking using Chaos Control like he’s supposed to. This game tries too hard to look ‘cool’, and instead looks like some stupid 13 year old poser who thinks he can dance because he’s watched an hour of MTV programming. This game has multiple objectives, but is it worth playing a crappy game multiple times just to see a generic ending which we’re seen an other, better games?
Trust me Shadow, getting zapped by the MIB's memory erasing device should be the least of your worries.
25 To Life
This game epitomizes this award genre, as it focuses more on being ‘urban’ and ‘street’ rather then on the many gaming flaws that plague the game. How can an enemy survive a shotgun blast at point blank range in the chest, let alone 5 headshots from sniper rifle fire? Why do enemies run around taking potshots at you instead of taking cover? Why is taking a human shield completely useless because the enemy is just going to shoot you anyways? This game is stupid.
Homie Rollerz
This is without a doubt one of the most racist things in existence. This is also a horrible Mario Kart DS ripoff that looks and plays like it’s made in the early PS1 era.
Biggest Desecration of a Franchise
This award is simple. Take a once credible franchise and have it do lots of LSD and crack until the masses cannot recognize what the franchise is anymore.
Tony Hawk Ride
The Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater franchise has gotten cornier with each installment since THPS4. What’s a better way to otherwise BURY a franchise then a hunk of solid plastic that controls just as awkward as the Resident Evil 4 chainsaw controller?
Courtesy of Wikipedia: A chunk of plastic
Ready to Rumble Revolution
Ready to Rumble Revolution took a once humble Dreamcast game and turned it into an offensive joke. This offense is short lived, as Punch Out! For the Wii was released shortly after and literally BURIED Ready to Rumble alive.
Narc
Narc? Who’s the NARC? Midway for taking a game famous for it’s anti-drug message and making a game bearing the same name that actually promotes drug use. Way to make a complete antitheses of what the original arcade classic was about guys. No wonder the once great Midway was given a slow painful death by being unceremoniously sold apart piece by piece.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Zombie ninja Pro-Am
Aqua Teen Hunger Force is awesome. What do we, the fans of the show get in return? A shitty PS2 game which mixes melee combat with fucking golf. My balls hurt because of the steel-toed boot to the groin that this game gave me.
Bomberman Act Zero
In an attempt to bring in a more ‘mature’ audience, Hudson Soft apparently forgot what made the Bomberman franchise great in the first place, like local multiplayer, and a SAVE FUNCTION. Act Zero’s gameplay is like playing Bomberman on a 99 level Gauntlet mode, except without any of the fun. This game even has the balls to label a third-person camera as ‘First Person Bomber mode (FPB)’. The protagonist also looks like an aborted cross between Samus Aran and Venom, and you know the game is bad when even the developers of the game treat it as a piece of shit.
Behold! First Person Bomber mode, conveniently shown from a 3rd person perspective!
Sonic ‘06
The low point of Sonic Team’s history, with everybody’s finger’s pointing at this game for starting wars and wrinkling Randy Travis posters. This so called ‘saviour of the franchise’ being nothing more then Sonic Adventure 1 bludgeoned to the point where Sonic cant even remember his name anymore. It doesn’t help that the game was rushed out the door during the beta-testing stage for a Christmas release, you play as 3 characters, the NPC character models act like they were from the Sims, and has an cringe worthy kiss that tells us that Sonic Team abandoned it’s original fanbase, and sold itself out to Deviantart furfags.
Dragonball Evolution
This movie should never have been made. This game should have never been made. Luckily this game was released only on PSP, so only PSP owners would be offended that they played a shoddy version of Mortal Kombat.
‘Hit out of left field’ award for most incoherentness
This is the fun one. This is where we take a game and bash it because it’s just way out of touch with reality.
Rogue Warrior
Aside from being a crappy FPS that’s likely going to be buried by the sales of Modern Warfare 2, the protagonist in the game bares little resemblance to the protagonist in the books. Abandoning all sense of decency for spewing obscenities all over the fucking place. Playing this goddamn game is like a 10 year old’s perspective on how the Cold War should have gone.
PETA’s Super Chick Sisters
I’m all for organizations trying to send a message, but it would help that that message doesn’t involve blatantly ripping off Super Mario Brothers to the point that Mario Bros. characters actually appear in the game. This game wants us to think that KFC restaurants are an equivalent to an abattoir, and that Yoshi gives out actual dialogue instead of repeating his name over and over like a pokemon.
Yaris
According to this game, the Toyota Yaris has a laser cannon coming out of it’s hood, the world is set in the future, the highways are made of half-pipes, and everything under the sun wants you to die. It doesn’t help that the game has a retardedly high difficulty curve when you go to the 3rd or 4th level, the game jumps from being retardedly easy to being the Ikuraga on wheels.
Pimp My Ride
The show is based in California, where people from West Coast Customs take some schmuck’s car, turn it into awesome, and return it to the little brat to have him/her giggle like an idiot. The game is based on a fictional place called ‘Pimp City’, where the player must ram into traffic and participate in stupid ‘ghost ride’ button minigames to make money to turn a generic box into a fancy generic box. Why was this game still $50 4-5 years after it’s released is anybody’s guess.
Big Rigs
This game was obviously in it’s ‘beta’ stage. In fact, it’s even more glitchier then Sonic ’06. The enemy AI is non existent, you can climb up vertical hills without any physics involved, drive through buildings and go infinite MPH in reverse. There’s no music, one of the levels crashes the game, and there’s no police chases whatsoever, even though the box clearly shows a police car on it.
Pic taken from Wikipedia itself, so if somebody changes it to porn, I wont be held responsible.
Drake of the 99 Dragons
This game is confusing. It features a protagonist with bad hair who talks with his mouth wide open, waves his guns all over the place, who’s dead (I think) and a member of some secret Ninja club (I think), who’s out for revenge because a rival organization ran amok in their main dojo and zzzzzzzzzzzzz….. Oh yea the game sucks, highlighted by the camera and aiming crosshair being mapped to the same button. Happy Hunting!
Ninjabread Man
A gingerbread ninja runs around a candy-based world killing candy-based enemies while collecting glowing things to put in a technological warp thingy. Collect all of them in a level (a massive 4 levels in all), and the teleporter activates sending you to the next level. What’s the purpose of this teleporter, let alone the purpose of this game? Also of note, Rock ‘n’ roll adventures and Anubis 2, which are pretty much the same game as Ninjabread man except with different graphics. Data Design are lazy bastards.
Seriously, how does the high-tech teleporter come into play?
Revenge of the Sunfish
This is the most fucked up, and random game ever made. Words cannot describe how batshit insane this game is, so here are some screenshots from my LP on Youtube. I'm an archaic barbarian who likes to take inspiration from past products and film my videos from a computer screen.
No, game, adding in 16-bit versions of popular Megaman, Metroid, and Castlevania tunes does not make you any less fucked up.
Shittiest Liscenced property award
Shitty Liscenced games are as commonplace as garbage. I’m not going to waste much time on this, so I’ve reduced this list to about 5-6 because frankly a majority of these lazy mediocre cash-ins don’t deserve recognition. This is why I’m going to be bashing the REALLY bad cash-ins instead of the ones that are bland and half-assed.
Charlie’s Angels
Bad mechanics, bad movies, bad character models. Arguably the worst Gamecube game ever made. NEXT
Nickelodeon Party Blast
It’s hard to take the Nickelodeon cast and make them even uglier. This game does it. Why anybody would want to play this game instead of Mario Party is anybody’s guess.
Enter the Matrix
Forget the fact that the Directors of the Matrix took their one good movie and turned it into two mediocre cash ins. This game is half-assed, and stars two minor characters instead of Neo and Trinity. This game is disgusting for the fact that it gained enough sales to warrant the PS2’s coveted ‘Greatest Hits’ red label.
Jumper Griffin’s Story
About 4-5 years after Enter the Matrix, somebody thought it’d be a good idea to make a liscenced game on the same template. Half-assed effort, playing as a minor character, mediocre cash in. Some people just don’t learn, do they?
Deal or No Deal
The main game involves picking suitcases and guessing which case has a certain amount of money in it. The minigames involve a slider puzzle, and memory. You know, games which can be found on the internet for free.
Balls of Fury
The movie was just ok. The game, however is just Rockstar Table Tennis and Wii Tennis made shitty. Let’s not forget the repetitive voicework, and bad control execution and we’ve got the blueprints on how to do a Wii game wrong. Also, have your grandma pull the car around.
Now we put them all together, and…
POOF WORST GAME OF LAST DECADE
Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing
Namely because it’s non-existant collision detections, non-existant physics, and non-existant spellchecker. Yes, I’m one of those ‘boring’ videogamers who like to judge a game based on it’s technical merits instead of how popular it is. GO RED WINGS!!!!
…
What?!? You ran the cargo ship mockup in 21 seconds??! Go play Barney’s Hide and Seek you slow piece of shit…
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