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Proof of existence: http://www.peta.org/...-mama/index.asp
Ever since I’ve seen “This video” on Youtube, Darth Vader from the planet VULCAN urged me to do a written rantview on this game. So I say to myself, YESSSSS…. This cake is delic… I mean I’m more then tempted to end my present creative article drought… PETA’s back, and they have a new game… guess what? They have not learned from the verbal asskicking that I’ve delivered to them the first time.
Wow, they have guts, this PETA organization. They ripped off yet another respectable franchise, but alas this time, they didn’t even BOTHER to cover it up. This time, the victim is the Cooking Mama series of games… a rather innocent franchise for the Nintendo DS and Wii. I mean, how lazy can you be, PETA?… At least with Super chick Sisters, the title was different and at least you tried to make the protagonists look different… slightly. Although it was as subtle as putting a pair of glasses on Superman, but at least you TRIED… I think.
…But here? They don’t even try. “Cooking Mama kills animals”. SEE… they have the word “Cooking fucking Mama’ in the title of the game itself.
…anyways, I downloaded the game expecting a virus or something… here goes…
…loading screen…
…fade to black…
…some chick yelling “AGGGGGHHHH” followed by “SLASH THWAK”
Oh jeez… EXPOSITION. Whatever can it mean? Is it a cliched horror movie? Are the ‘reds finally invading North America? Did the director of this mess accidentally forgot to open the shutters of his camera while filming?
…oh…
Why the hell was there so much blood in the introductory title sequence? See, I told you PETA hasn’t learned from the last time. I’ve just seen the title sequence, and once more I’m bombarded with not just plagiarism… but with the unneeded gratuitous amounts of blood that was present in the last game.
Anyways, let’s cut to business… yes, it’s even more of a half-assed cover up then the Mario ripoff. The first thing you’ll notice about Mama is that throughout the game, she has this nasty habit of bobbing her head back and forth for some reason. I’m supposed to be the demented person around here, mama, not you… I’m playing through this crap. The music is your stock generic banjo music, which plays throughout the majority of the game. It’s not bad at first, but as it loops on and on and ON, it’ll start to get on your nerves. Also note the interesting tidbit in the lower right corner of the screen.
“Urge Majesco to make a vegetarian recipe of cooking mama!”
http://blog.wired.co...co-respond.html
Hey, look at that, they just did.
…You aint my boss…. Nor are you the boss of the RAM of my laptop. Since I played Super Chick Sisters, I am suspicious of the CPU usage on my computer. GO PROCESS EXPLORER! (Process Explorer is a handy tool for measuring out how much ram your programs take up while they are running, much more convincing then the ctrl-alt-delete task manager crap. Do a google search)
Well, this is a change from Super Mario Ripoff… if you have the gall to download the game onto your harddrive (like I did for whatever reason), the game only takes up around 50% of my system memory compared to the 97% that was used for Super Chick Sisters. GOOD GOD!!! The programmers ACTUALLY IMPROVED ON SOMETHING?!? Odd… I would have expected my laptop to EXPLODE from this game… Well, if it run something like Revenge of the Sunfish just fine, so… bleh.
The game is still a blatant ripoff though… anywho, let’s keep going. Since there isn’t any bonuses… yet… it’s time to Let’s Play annoying tripe.
LET US PREPARE THE TURKEY
#1: Pluck feathers
…again, I’m reminded of the same problems that Super Mario Ripoff had… Why the hell is there an excessive amount of blood coming from the turkey as you rip it’s feathers off? Also, shouldn’t you be wearing GLOVES when doing this sort of stuff in the first place? This looks unsanitary. Also, why isn’t the turkey properly secured to the meathook while you yank it’s feathers off? I don’t know about you, but as I was YANKING the feathers off the turkey, I expected it to fall off the meathook, thus leading me to another pointless minigame called “pick up the turkey off the floor”.
Anyways, I complete the mission and get this:
“Meaner then Momma”?
Well, this might be a tough one. My mother might be a complete uberbitch, but I guess when you play through games like this, your “meanness” level becomes so high that you become the biggest bitch in all of history. YES, I AM THE BITCH KING!!! I’m so much of a bitch, that I forgot to wash the grime off the turkey after ripping it’s feathers off. YEAAAAHHHH HARDCOOOOOORRRE!!!
#2: Remove the internal organs
…again, why the hell is the main character not wearing any gloves while performing this task? Isnt it a general rule of food servicing to ALWAYS put on gloves when handling raw poultry?… Well, at least where I live anyways… because of, you know… preventing diseases like the LISTERIOSIS OUTBREAK that happened a few months back. You know, the outbreak that temporarily closed down a major Maple Leaf food processing plant and ended up causing the deaths of about 22 people all over Canada? The same outbreak which resulted in a major recall of over 100 meat products, thereby questioning the credibility of the Canadian Food Inspection Board?
…no wait. I forgot… that this game was aimed at the US thanksgiving season by a US based organization. PETA is an AMERICAN based company, amirite? So of course, they’d cater to a largely AMERICAN target audience. People from Europe or Asia?… those people don’t exist! “American” means “those who live in the United States”. I mean, what the hell’s a ‘Mexico’ anyways? I mean, Psssch, Canadians… them and their crazy listeriosis babble. I mean, Canadians only live in an alternate universe where Thanksgiving is a month BEFORE ours… them and their dollar coins, their CFL, and the METRIC SYSTEM…. Living in their igloos eating their bannock and watching hockey all day…
I so want Joe Canadian to unleash his pet beaver on the developers of this game right now.
Anyways, I pull out the organs, and put them all in a bowl which conveniently has “Majesco” written on it. Huh… you pull out a heart… and a pancreas… but for whatever reason you cannot remove the fucking intestines pertruding out the bottom. It’s so inconsistent… For some reason the controls here seem floaty, and I ran out of time… hence resulting in this screen here:
“Too nice”? Lady, I pulled out 4 of the 5 internal organs. I couldn’t get the last one because for some reason the controls were too floaty. What, you want a 1,000 word essay on how much you are a picky bitch because I forgot to pull out one stupid organ… which I thought was the intestines at the bottom of the turkey but it wasn’t for some reason? Fine, so be it… it will be done… EN TARO ADUN, EXECUTOR!!! Oh wait, you have an option to redo a mission if you fuck up, although I don’t see what the purpose of it is, since the scores are solely for scoring affairs and that you don’t get anything different if you get a perfect rating or not… and that banjo music is starting to annoy me, Cerebrate… LIVE FOR THE SWARRRRMMMM!!!!!
*does mission again because he’s the King of Bitches, you know*
DAMN RIGHTS “MEANER THEN MAMA”!!!
…
Huzzah! I did it! I completed the first mission!
…the hell’s the boss of this stage?!?
…oh well, time to reap the rewards…
…what the fuck is this?
“WHAT MAMA DIDN’T TELL YOU”
Ooooo… FINALLY, Mama is giving away a long-kept secret. Maybe there is an explination as to why my childhood home looks like fucking hell…. Wait…
“I… am… adopted…” what the hell?
Well, at least Mama isn’t bobbing her head back in forth like some possessed person. But you’d be an idiot if you didn’t see this coming… it’s a message full of bullshit. Wait… didn’t we hear about this kind of stuff in Super Chick Sisters? This is so old… PETA just doesn’t seem to give up. You know, I should probably eat some KFC right now, just to annoy and piss them off even further.
We got a bonus… a video called “meet your meat”, which sounds like gay porno, so I’m not going to look at it.
Ah, so we are… wait a second… there’s a SECOND PART TO THIS CRAP?
…
LET’S STUFF THE TURKEY!
#1: Crack Eggs
…Mama is still bobbing her head back and forth, no doubt because the constant Banjo music is starting to get on her nerves. Anyways… let’s get cracking, a… what the fucking…
Forget the fact that your hands don’t have any fingernails. Why the fuck are there blood and feathers coming out of my eggs? Has this ever happened to you? I mean, there are standards set in place when it comes to grocery store eggs… at least I’m assuming they are grocery store eggs. I cant tell They were just sitting on the counter. They aren’t in a bowl, and they aren’t in a carton. Even if the eggs are in a mostly-developed state, I doubt there’d be FULL GROWN FEATHERS inside the eggs, so it’s highly unrealistic. Oh yea, I forgot to mention, these controls during this part are quite finicky… You have to move the eggs on a specific pattern (i.e. along the blue arrow), and that if you don’t follow the correct path, the hit wont register…
…so once again, I’m “Too nice”. Fuck you, I prefer to take my time.
#2: Mix the crap together
Ok, this is the perfect example of the finicky gameplay mechanics of the game at it’s worst. Sure, when you put the…. Stuff… in the frying pan, that part’s easy… until you get to phase 2, where we have a problem with hit detection…
Looks simple, use the spoon to mix the stuff right? Well, no problem… but there is a major problem here… WHERE THE FUCK DO I GRAB THE SPOON?!? Common logic tells us that if you grab the spoon by the handle, you can swirl the crap together… but in this game, for some reason, I clicked the spoon a gazillion times, and it just doesn’t register. Sure, I got the spoon to swirl once… I have NO idea where the “Magic Spot” on the spoon is, because I was clicking all over the fucking place and it just doesn’t seem to respond… so I end up running out of time.
…Yes… I’m too nice because I couldn’t mix batter due to crappy hit detection. Fuck you.
UPDATE: Ok, after some toying, I’ve realized that I have to click the spoon, and drag it in the specific pattern, although it’s hard to tell if you are doing it right… it’s still an iffy piece of crap though.
#3: Stuff the Bird
I agree with Darknessthecurse. What message is PETA trying to get across? Basically what the game is so far is SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO MAKE A TURKEY. Normally I’d go out to the grocery store and buy myself a prepared turkey, but yea… this is basically step-by-step instructions on how to prepare a turkey if Grocery isn’t an option.
Yes, stuffing a turkey without wearing gloves makes me “meaner then mama”. I don’t get it… I guess it’s because we forgot to properly wash the turkey because there’s still feathers on it. The intestines are STILL INSIDE THE TURKEY AS I’M STUFFING IT!!! Yea, I’m mean because I prepare my meals in such unsanitary conditions. Note that the turkey get’s fatter as you stuff it. Yes, stuffing a turkey with a small handful of moist bread crumbs automatically makes it gain 2 pounds…. Whatever…
#4: Remove the head
You know, this option should have been one of the first things you do when preparing a turkey, not like… the fourth or fifth step… but oh well. At least when I cut meat, I actually use a knife with a SHARP edge instead of the blunt looking butterknife which is provided. Again the finicky gameplay mechanics, you have to make cutting motions EXACTLY on the line, otherwise it wont register. Oh well… at least the hit detection isn’t as broken as the wooden spoon.
…of course I’m “Meaner then mama”… I’m playing this game. I cut off a turkey’s head with a fucking butterknife instead of using a blade with a serrated edge. I am indeed a sick sadistic bitch and should seek psychological help instead of telling the people about this crappy game on a public forum.
#5: Cook the turkey
Arguably the easiest mission so far. It’s less a mission then it is a timing puzzle. Just hit the “off’ button at the right moment. Simple.
“Too nice”? What the fuck?
…
Ok, we got the turkey all cooked up…
Looks like crap, right? Well, maybe it would help if we had CUT OFF THE WINGS AND FEET BEFORE PUTTING THE TURKEY IN THE OVEN! Hell, We didn’t even remove the head properly… normally the incision should be at the BASE of the neck instead of some random spot in the middle… There’s still feathers on the turkey, which implies that we have still NOT washed the turkey after plucking it…. And I think the turkey might need some more time in the oven, because of all the BLOOD that is there. I’m assuming the boils are there because the turkey wasn’t cooked long enough?
…yummy…
…then we get another screen of “What mama never told you”… I aint gonna bother putting up a screenshot here, because it’s propaganda about turkeys in factory farms or something. Again taking a jab at meat processing plants.
Hmmm… we got 2 bonuses out of this apparently…
“butterball investigation video”… no doubt it’s about Butterball Turkeys and how their “sensitive beaks are cut off” or something. I haven’t watched the video, but if I do (which in reality, I’m not), the message is most likely something along those lines.
And…
“mama kills animals wallpaper”… Although an amiable gesture to offer me a wallpaper, but no thanks. I don’t really see anything wrong with my wallpaper (except a certain cuddly charm which Touhou and Higurashi characters provide). Besides, the wallpaper isn’t really that great anyways… and I’ve got a whole bunch of wallpapers already… therefore, it isn’t necessary and would only serve to waste my harddrive space.
PART 2 IN ANOTHER TOPIC. We aint done yet... we still gotta make the 'effin gravy!
Rant also on this forum, but with less pictures because of a "X amount of pictures" limit or something.
This post has been edited by Faze: 20 November 2008 - 09:27 PM
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